It’s 2 am and I am unable to sleep. For the first time in my life, I have just pretended to be asleep when in reality I have been wide awake. Am I suffering from insomnia like millions addicted to Internet, Youtube, NetFlix, etc? If this is true, then I need to look into my life and contemplate hard upon the changes my life has gone through. Or is this merely my delusion? I tried talking to my close friends, my secret crush, my beloved, my brother, among all, but nothing helped till the time that dream breezed into my mind like fresh air. I love silence of the night, I love coolness of the night which is so drastically different from the scorching heat burning the entire city in the daytime, I love water, I love the sweet smell of the mud after rain, I love the sound of birds, I love taking a sweet nap in daytime away from all worries, I love strolling in night in between trees of my hometown; but here I am, running like a clock in the same unchanged pattern. I feel like burying my head into pillows and crying. I dream of turning into a woman Buddhist monk and spending my time in between the nature and simple people. I am sure many would have thought of relinquishing everything and turning into a monk to achieve peace and happiness. And, I earnestly admire people who have succeeded in turning this dream into a reality.
I simply don’t know what I am doing is what I love. I guess, the answer is definitely “No”. I fear turning into a cold woman whose heart won’t ache over anything. I detest becoming mean and selfish. But, do I have an option? I look around myself and find myself alone—totally alone. I am repulsed by the idea that I have to change myself so much to become qualified for becoming successful. The idea of success is so empty and vacuous. The child in me has definitely exhausted of looking for happiness in this adult’s world. I know I am aging and that’s why I respect elderly more than ever, as I can comprehend their fear of rejection, embarrassment, humiliation, dependence on others, etc. Maybe I should just forget everything and live in the present. Maybe? I fall asleep when I start reading an interesting story. So, I started reading “Fools Die” by Mario Puzo. Though the novel talks about gambling and Las Vegas, it revolves around the complications and realities of life that some or the other ways are witnessed by everyone. It made me realize that the perfect world is made up of imperfections. At this moment, I feel like standing in my balcony and observing the silent sky and trees standing like sentinels. I even yearn to write a poem. Oh God, it has been ages, I haven’t written anything.
I close my eyes and see myself travelling in a bus through a snake like road wound up around a hill. I feel the air in my face and feel happy. I am happy and I smile. I see myself silently watching the world. I also see few books around me and my feelings turning into a poem. Some of the words that make my poem are silence, happiness, solitude, sanity, love, passion, simplicity, nature and so on. There’s just the sound of the fan above me and nothing else. I want to read my mind and heart. They have been ignored in this mundane life. I want to pen their ideas, emotions and desires. And, then my inner sub-consciousness will be at peace.
Hither Kusum
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